Mentally Drained - LA week 4

I’m in my fourth week now at my program and I’m drained.

I go into Monday thinking it’s going to be a good week and I’m going to get a lot of things done, and while I do, it’s beginning to become more and more exhausting. Creating unique content that people want to watch is hard all while still having to pay attention and provide feedback on eight other content pages.

Out of the past four weeks, this one has been one of the more mentally difficult ones. I don’t know why, I guess sometimes it’s just like that.

My headaches get worse with each day that goes by and my screen time continues to rise as I stare at the screen not doing anything. Each call gets harder and harder as I’m reminded that I’m the one who made the choice to be in an unfamiliar place for a while and memories are being made with a Katie-sized hole. And in our apartment, we’re having issues that shouldn’t even be a problem, but it’s eating away at my mind because the situation is on repeat.

On the content side of things, I get caught up in the numbers and comparing my creations to people in my class. Seeing that I have zero views or comments is hard when I put a lot of work into a piece of content only for it to perform poorly. Other people are using their platforms that have already been established with a following and I’m starting from the ground up. Everyone’s at differing skill levels too, so when I look at other people I need to start remembering that we’re all coming from various places in our experiences.

I can’t even respond to people anymore on my phone because I’m just tired and exhausted. I see the notifications, but I can’t bring myself to look at a screen anymore because my head hurts.

Yet I don’t understand how staring at a screen and talking about women in sports drains me so much. It’s something I love to talk about, but I think the idea of creating something new every single week while making the topic interesting drains me.

I constantly think about what I’m posting. Who’s going to watch it. If my audience will find it interesting. Which videos will be better.

It’s like all these questions are just on repeat and I’m an over thinker (if you can’t tell by now). And overthinking means there’s no mental space for anything else besides all these thoughts that crowd my mind.

Luckily, I’m creating something I have a passion for, otherwise I don’t know how this would go.

And it’s not like I’m not doing anything outside the content, I am. The other week, my roommates and I went to the beach for a good week reset. Even just this past weekend, me and a friend went to Griffith Observatory, had a great time, but yet I’m exhausted. My battery is just completely drained.

I don’t know what it’s going to take to get the spark back. Maybe it’ll be going to the U.S. Open this week. Or taking time to myself for a certain amount of time everyday to recharge. Or spending time worshipping instead of worrying. Whatever it may be, I need to find it and soon, because this can’t continue.